gosh that's odd!

I've been wearing the new clothes my mom bought me this week, and the new shoes I bought myself last month for staging. So many people noticed today; I liked my yesterday clothes better.



James was especially nice today! It was really weird, how friendly he was being. I felt guilty because I've hated him so much. But I really can't hate anyone; I resented him as a parent figure. We ended up talking about what my dad is doing; my dad is retired marine corps, lieutenant colonel. I just learned that james was in the navy for several years, and has a total of 19 years government service. He really relates to my father being a military man because he was navy and went through ROTC but stopped short of his commission. This is also the reason why there is so much friction between us here at work because it's like having my father sitting there with me on the other side of the desk. It is true, both of them treat me in similar ways. But from both of them, I don't deserve to be treated like a slacker just because I'm not a disciplined soldier. I mentioned James a bit about the know it all-ness my father displays sometimes when he asked me about my dad's retirement years so far, the infallibility, and I think he understands what I inferred about being the son of an officer; he didn't like that aspect of the hierarchy as an enlisted person.

I talked a long time with my mom last night, teaching her french phrases. I feel guilty being angry at her too. A lot of it is frustration that she doesn't leave her very restricted and paranoid mindset. It is very crippling for her and anyone around her; I understand that this must be a side effect of being a military wife. There really is a gigantic mind-job that happens to wives of marines, and my mother's behavior most of my life and especially when I came out is probably textbook military wife. Someone told me that marines have to be in complete control of their families or else they are penalized for it, so being in that kind of environment for so many years must have really conditioned my mother to be a scared little submissive wife. I can't be too angry at her, no matter how little she understands me or how much manipulation she uses to try to control me. I know that beyond all that, she really cares and we've been through too much together. She has way more than enough of her own problems that have nothing to do with me. Gosh, the military brainwashes people!